Remembering the Good & the Bad

There are times I have wished for a severe case of amnesia, but it never came. Why is that the negative, the hurt, are the feelings and memories that stay with us? How do we let those go?

It would be so lovely to not remember this date in time, this "anniversary" if you will. March 15th is the 21st year since my brother Jim was killed, taken from us so tragically and violently. The pain has changed. It's dull. Not so sharp. Doesn't take my breath away now.  

The nightmares are gone. Looking over our shoulders. Being uncomfortable in our own town and skin because it felt like I would always be known as  "the girl who's brother was murdered", etc, etc. Time erases so much. There are many people who have forgotten and others who never knew. In some ways it's nice that this night so long ago is not a common topic of conversation anylonger. However, I will never forget....the fear and anger and hurt and violation of having a sick, twisted man shape my life, my being and take my brother. 

Where is Dubasz today? Well, he's free wherever he is and he just may well be deceased as he would be 88yrs by now. 

 I do pray that he does not have the ability to torment, stalk and hurt people any longer. 

How do I feel about him? Nothing really. Disgust and nothingness. He is nothing to me now. Nothing but a bad nightmare.

So, that is where a case of amnesia would be nice.

However, I would like to vividly remember the moments shared with my brother. If only those moments when I was an infant and Jim was 7yrs old, standing outside my crib, watching me sleep, saying,

"She's bootiful. Like sweeping booty." (Sleeping Beauty).

Or how about when Jim would let me drive his truck as a teenager. Even when he felt it necessary to give me "the talk" about the birds and the bees...such as it was. At 13yrs old that was the LAST thing on my mind and he was 21yrs...and I wanted to crawl under the seat of the truck or dive out the window while he gave me his sound older brother advice. Which I did not need, thank you very much, and by the way Jim, where ever you are, "It may be fun Maggie, but you have to be safe" is quite hilarious as far as advice goes and was so not required then! You nutbar!

Gertsma Family Aug 1990 Jim middle back row, blue Tank Shirt

Jim adored Mom and would do anything for her. He also like to tease her and she loved every minute of it. I can almost hear the two of them laughing as he would put his arm around her shoulders, squeeze her really tight and ask if she had taken her "spinny pills" today. Nice!

Jim bbqing Aug 1990

 Jim was all about steak whenever he had the chance to use his barbequing skills or consume a disgustingly huge one with all the trimmings. He may have even won his dinner for free a time or two his penchant for steak. ~  Bleck! Steak is not for me.~

Jim & K - buddies-

 A sense of humor and love for kids was part of Jim too. This little guy above was one of Jim's little buddies. They spent a lot of time together and Jim had a soft sport for K and other kiddos we knew.

Jim is the baby on Mom's knee.

That fluffy cheeked fellow on my mom's knee is toddler Jim. I can only imagine the stuff he got into as a curious toddler and hope that those memories are as fresh as the day they took place for my mom. Losing a child, regardless of how old, is unfathomable. So hopefully those childhood memories are strong for her.

Memories are an amazing thing. They can feel so real. The mind plays tricks and also makes life sweeter with those treasured days gone by. So, as tomorrow looms and all the horror that came with it all those years ago, there will be a part of me that is holding tight to the special memories, even though the tragedy seeps through.

A Queasy Daylight Savings Weekend

Oh spring! You tease us with your +16 C days and slushy backyards that produce disgustingly dirty kids and dogs, yet they are happy, happy, happy. Please stay awhile.

Except this springing forward time wise has made my eyelids droop. 

Or maybe that's because W has been up since 4am. 

Hungry. 

I'm hungry Mom.

I'm going to feed you to the wolves W, cause it's 4am! 

Instead, could you feed ME a wolf?

Ha! I love how his sense of humor is developing into creating his own jokes. It's pretty funny sometimes...even at 4am.

Poor Bup woke up with a nose bleed Saturday night. He was terrified. When I got to his room, and crawled up the ladder to his bed, between sobs he choked out, "I got boogers!"

Except it was much more than that! 

And for some reason....maybe being half awake....I couldn't handle it!

The room got very, very hot and black and not only was I about to faint but throw up! 

So, there's poor Bup with a cloth to his face, blood everywhere....quite literally head to toe.... and his mother is kneeling on the cold floor in the bathroom, with ice cold water flowing from the tub taps, over her wrists, trying desperately not to pass out and listening to the sobs of her little guy.  As he still sat on the edge of his bed. Poor fella....heartbreaking....

And W lay in the bed below, in the fetal position, with his hands over his ears.

Mother of the year? Nope.

Feeling just a little desperate,  as I was home alone with the boys, what if I did pass out? Then what?

Thankfully I powered through, got my little Buppy all cleaned up, settled, and snuggled in bed with me for the rest of the night. And W...he didn't even remember the commotion in the morning. [[smile]]

Queasy.....

Vintage Pretty

Isn't she pretty?
I need a "look"....besides the one in the post below. Maybe...???

What NOT to Wear

As I finger brushed my wet hair, spread some ringlet product in, then dressed in black leggings and a black empire, ruffled tshirt I thought about how late we were running this morning.
 R and I slept in. Yay and Oops!
W on the other hand was up early enough to secretly play Wii, volume muted, alone and without waking anyone else. Schneeky!
So, after delivering W in record time, 25 min, I was feeling pretty accomplished despite the fact that R had choked and spit his Trileptal all over my black shirt (Trileptal is white) and we started our day late.
Until, I arrived home and caught a glimpse of slightly cocky self in the mirror. Ever seen me in the morning with air-dryed hair, no make up...EXCEPT for the black mascara smudges below my eyes that I hadn't noticed earlier?! It's not pretty.
The neighbor mom that chatted with me must have laughed to herself in the car afterwards....black mascara smudged below my eyes....and confirmed her suspects that I am a "slummy-mummy".

Sideways too! How fitting for today, but it won't turn!

We Have Been....

......cat sitting
.....Dawson Creek visitng (read 11+ hr drive and major snow storm: me & the kids)
....hotel sleeping
....pool enjoying
......IPP meetings
.....chiropractor visiting (ahem! someone did a flip on the bed and hurt his neck, guess who?)
......new phone activating (yes, that's a major deal!)
......rig dining
......school volunteering
....and now back to the real world!

Will catch up once the truck is unpacked, the toys are put away, and the kiddos are in bed.

Whew!

Word of the Day

There comes a time when a mom just doesn't want to correct the incorrectly pronounced word of a child as its just too heart meltie cute. Cause you know, in the future, there will be a last....a last mispronounced word, a last lisp, a last w instead of l...so I'll treasure a few of these now.

Which brings me to Bup's Word of the Day!

"Shmarshmallows"!
Say that 10 times really fast.

And just to add to the "shmarshmallow" moment here's a pic of W with 3 large shmarshmallows in his mouth aka "I'm a Chubby Bunny!" and some "smarshmallow" building cause the building is what we do with the mallows in our house.

I'm a Chubby Bunny!

Mr. Monkey...proud builder.

Marshmallow creations....notice R?