Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Pregnant Pause

This pregnancy is officially considered full term. Time has passed so quickly. Outwardly I am ready for our new baby to join the family. It'll be lovely to have a little warm bundle to snuggle and enjoy each baby stage.
However, inwardly I am not ready for this pregnancy to end. At the moment, I am not ready for labour, delivery or the post partum healing. This unease is very strong. Maybe it's because I think I know what to expect? Truthfully it's because I am scared and scarred from the previous birth experience. It's no secret that it was awful and traumatic on many levels. So be it. It's over and done with. I have a new physician which will make a marked difference. Yet, my mindset is realing with what was and possibly imposing that what was will be again.(What we focus on we create, right?) The other challenge is convincing myself that I can cope and handle this and that whatever happens is my responsibility and no one can do anything to me. Today, I was enlightened as it was stated to me that I have a victim's mindset and I desperately need to change this or my body won't let this baby go. Talk about being laid wide open. Oh, I so do not want to even go there. I don't want to examine my fears and then turn it around into plan...."If this (the worst) happens then this is how I will cope." My head and heart knows that I need to do this....it's really not an option...but the search within is often frightening.
It was also brought up that it would be a wonderful action for me to cocoon myself. Make daily quiet time for me. Meaning elliminate some committments from my life such as choir and social activities. The good thing is I made a point of not scheduling any social events this month due to the pending arrival of our babe. (Other than mom's group & hopefully play dates with pals.)Choir...well....I'm not keen on letting it go just yet. Although, after my little escapade on Thursday it may not be such a bad idea! :)
Where do I go from here? I would really like to check into a hotel in an unknown destination and quietly spend the rest of the month there. But that's not an option. Hmmm.....what are my options....where's my thinking cap?

By the way....can I just comment that going to the doctor weekly during the last bit of pregnancy is a complete waste of time? Really...5 min with the Dr. for a bp check, heart beat listen and measurement of the belly. I know I still have a pulse, there is still a prominent bump that moves often & on it's own protruding from my front so all is well.

Okay, there's my rant and fearful attitude.


  1. The day before I went into labor with E I had read an article about having a birthing image to focus on while during contractions. So during the first part of the labor I was trying to find an image I liked that would work. You know like a flower opening or the waves in the ocean kinda thing. I started to get really worked up because I couldn't find an image. I phoned my doula and she suggested that I take a bath. So I'm laying in the bathtube "I have to find my birthing image" running through my head frantically and of course it's not happening. The contractions are starting to hurt more and I'm jsut about to completely freak out when I think F*CK the birthing image and F*CK this stupid bath and I stood up and turned on the shower and suddenly everything was so much better. Turned out that standing was the best position for me to labor in and that lying down was the worst. I never got my "flower to open" visualization but in the end the word "Relax" kinda became my mantra. And it all worked out.

    The moral of this story is that no matter how much you plan, or how much you think you know what is going to happen I think giving birth is one of those experiences that is unique everytime and pretty much completely unpredictable.

    Mrs M. it will all work itself out. It is all okay. You're doing a great job.

  2. I know you can do it...afterall what choice do you have? You can't incubate forever! Keep positive thougts, every delivery is different, and your body knows what to do this time....Ultimately it comes down to doing what is best for the baby....our sacrifices start right from the get go, and you are terrific Mom with natural "Mom" instincts....I think in the moment you will just know and do whatever is necessary....hang in there...and yes, find some quiet time for just you as with two, your world is about to become very busy!

  3. Thanks ladies for your words of wisdom and encouragement. I needed that. Just need to get my head around all this in a positive manner.

    My Knob Sister...welcome back!

  4. Hey sista!
    You know I'm right there with you. It's difficult not to let your fear get the best of you.
    I got to see my little babe again today. She's looking very good (chubby!) and I feel very connected to her. Such an emotional roller coaster.
    Just remember that the 'universe' wants all good things for you and your baby.

  5. Mrs. Mittens...glad to hear your girl is all chubby and healthy. I can't wait to meet her.
    I would love to see mine before delivery too. We'll see what the Dr says next week....

  6. The trepidation before any birth is intense. Is there anything you can to do make yourself feel calmer? I can't remember what I did, but steam cleaning the floors everyday seemed to help the last week! :)