This pregnancy is officially considered full term. Time has passed so quickly. Outwardly I am ready for our new baby to join the family. It'll be lovely to have a little warm bundle to snuggle and enjoy each baby stage.
However, inwardly I am not ready for this pregnancy to end. At the moment, I am not ready for labour, delivery or the post partum healing. This unease is very strong. Maybe it's because I think I know what to expect? Truthfully it's because I am scared and scarred from the previous birth experience. It's no secret that it was awful and traumatic on many levels. So be it. It's over and done with. I have a new physician which will make a marked difference. Yet, my mindset is realing with what was and possibly imposing that what was will be again.(What we focus on we create, right?) The other challenge is convincing myself that I can cope and handle this and that whatever happens is my responsibility and no one can do anything to me. Today, I was enlightened as it was stated to me that I have a victim's mindset and I desperately need to change this or my body won't let this baby go. Talk about being laid wide open. Oh, I so do not want to even go there. I don't want to examine my fears and then turn it around into plan...."If this (the worst) happens then this is how I will cope." My head and heart knows that I need to do this....it's really not an option...but the search within is often frightening.
It was also brought up that it would be a wonderful action for me to cocoon myself. Make daily quiet time for me. Meaning elliminate some committments from my life such as choir and social activities. The good thing is I made a point of not scheduling any social events this month due to the pending arrival of our babe. (Other than mom's group & hopefully play dates with pals.)Choir...well....I'm not keen on letting it go just yet. Although, after my little escapade on Thursday it may not be such a bad idea! :)
Where do I go from here? I would really like to check into a hotel in an unknown destination and quietly spend the rest of the month there. But that's not an option. Hmmm.....what are my options....where's my thinking cap?
By the way....can I just comment that going to the doctor weekly during the last bit of pregnancy is a complete waste of time? Really...5 min with the Dr. for a bp check, heart beat listen and measurement of the belly. I know I still have a pulse, there is still a prominent bump that moves often & on it's own protruding from my front so all is well.
Okay, there's my rant and fearful attitude.